Dissatisfaction is one of those emotions that rears its head in our lives and that we generally consider undesirable. It may sometimes live in the background unspoken. Often it creeps up on us when life seems to be going along swimmingly. Declaring our dissatisfaction challenges us. We mute ourselves because we believe that admitting it means we aren’t successful or because we believe it will be interpreted as whining or blaming. We "should" be happy, and we interpret that dissatisfaction is the opposite of happiness (which, by the way, is one of the three things the U.S. Declaration of Independence singles out as aims—“life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”). The problem denying dissatisfaction is that it persists.
A reframing of dissatisfaction can begin with asking what it is. We sometimes try to convince ourselves that we are not dissatisfied (denial), we distract ourselves with some form of excitement (shopping, television, food), or we simply blame our dissatisfaction on what we believe is the source (partner, job, money) and never face it. The emotion shows up, we assess it as “bad,” “wrong,” or “unimportant,” and never consider the possibility of listening to it. But what if we listened and considered that dissatisfaction (and every emotion) is there to inform us about our interactions with the world? What might dissatisfaction be trying to tell us?
It is trying to point to something important for you and something you believe could be improved. Perhaps there is a conversation missing. Maybe you need to make a request of someone. Maybe you have an offer not yet spoken. Maybe there is a declaration brewing. What would it take to change your relationship with dissatisfaction? If you currently hold dissatisfaction as a negative emotion, shifting to the belief that dissatisfaction could be a friendly helpful emotion would be a big step. Then you could get curious about what it is trying to teach or point you toward.
How do you get unstuck from dissatisfaction?
- Notice the sensations of dissatisfaction in my body, emotions or stories (thought).
- Name them dissatisfaction. Declare it. Claim it. Own it.
- Accept it.
- Answer the question: “What conditions, if they existed, would allow me to say I’m satisfied?”
- Make a plan to fulfill those conditions.
Here’s an example:
- I notice an unpleasant tightening of my stomach and resistance every time I think of asking for love making from my partner.
- I tell myself (or someone else) that I’m not satisfied living with this discomfort. There must be a better way.
- I accept it. I acknowledge that “this is how my life is.” I’m not going to continue “wishing” for something different or escaping from it.
- I decide that I want to have a better feeling associated with sex with my partner.
- Either alone or with help, I create a plan to achieve this.
Moving toward satisfaction does not guarantee we will arrive. What often happens is that as we approach what we had believed would satisfy us, we realize it is not the end of the journey. Sometimes we can make another choice, which is to live with dissatisfaction. Although a meal at a new restaurant or the price of a something you purchase may not completely meet your conditions of satisfaction, you may choose to accept it. This is something to consider in other areas of life.
How is this acceptance different from complacency or resignation? In acceptance you are open to the possibility that at some point it may be different. In resignation you're denying that possibility. In complacency you have not made or are unwilling to make the effort to achieve satisfaction.
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...and how do men complain about this greed on one hand and support it on the other?
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Investing in regular massage is immensely beneficial at any time of year, but especially in winter because
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